The power of Journaling:😈 The Truth about You.
⚔️ Meet the Stranger in your heart.
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I am 12, it's after school and it is cold outside. I am happy to come home. I grab the handle of the door.
“Why is it open?! I locked it, my mom is still at work, it should be locked. Or did I forget about it... again. It doesn’t really matter, no one breaks in, in this village.
"Surprise!!"
Damn!! The rush, the unexpected, the adrenaline kick. It's my freaking birthday. That too, I forgot about. All this attention for me. I could not be more thrilled it's going to be a great party.
Yet, I can’t take that step inside. I close the door- they are locked in and I am locked out. I want to run and hide... Hide and cry. My body is in shock. Spasms only, the nervous system just tilted. It takes me a minute, then I look at that door and think about all the blurry faces behind it I did not have the time to recognize.
Time to open it, smile and meet my friends.
Still standing in front of this door, outside in the dark. It's really cold now. I am ashamed, I just cried on my birthday, I am not ready to socialize. My mum could have told me... but... it was a surprise, but... I just can't get my head around it. I walk away. I'll be back when everyone has left.
I never celebrated my birthday after that. Not like that. I thought I liked surprises. But I did not. I like to know who is behind the door.
The Stranger behind the Door.
It's like flying off the rail in full speed while on an emotional roller coaster.
ALERT: YOUR HEART JUST GOT HAMMERED, TORN, SMASHED TO OBLIVION.
It is ruthless, no mercy. I wish I could forget but I am still floating, in this newly created vacuum in my soul. What is there to forget anyway? My late ADHD diagnosis? Too late buddy, it is now part of the past. It's knowledge brutally acquired. It hurts and it will hurt even more when it lands. Give it some time.
But I am running out of time. I cut myself out of this social world, I had no contact with other humans. I feel completely disconnected from them. I cannot bear my own company either and would give everything to be able to NOT be me. I can't get out of me. I want to keep flying, get off this world, discover the wonders of this universe. There has to be more to all of this; this cannot be it. But not today. Today is the crash day.
Note to Myself;
A life already on its way out.
No better time.
No Better time to break my heart open.
No better Time to glance at a life of lost opportunities.
The implosion that followed my late ADHD diagnosis shattered years of frozen immobility. I am not the protagonist I thought I was. The structure I built my life on just collapsed, creating a vacuum, an empty space in need of meaning. A vacuum is not a great opportunity to start anything but it gifts me with the possibility of undertaking a daring project. And It is not great timing either, but doing nothing with it is an opportunity lost.
"Journaling is a way of parenting the self who is going to live out the days to come."
- David Whyte.
Do Not Blow Up.
I am ready to let go of my old beliefs. The way I thought I should live this life and navigate through it using normal and average frameworks was not for me. I was forcing a common-by-the-book system upon me. A system an entire society is built on but not built for an individual exploring the limits and breaking the boundaries concealing it within.
I realize now how much at a disadvantage I was.
For a more graphic analogy: It is like being a stubborn grown ass adult on a 4-year-old's tiny bike struggling to go up the mountain on an icy snaking road at midnight during a snow storm thinking you have been riding a 4-wheel monster truck all along. I probably was half naked cause I did freeze to paralysis. No phone signals. No rescue to be seen, can't see a thing anyway. Pitch black. Just me all alone, standing still. I am now here.
Can't tell you I am thriving in silence. It's never really silent, the chatter in my mind is real. Never stops really. But right now, it's quiet and I don't like it. An unsolicited silence, body and heart numbed.
The crack of a door breaks open. A door in my heart.
Meeting the Stranger in my Heart.
Standing behind this door, I am 12 again. Freezing my ass off. Fingers numb on the metal handle, heart racing - just like that birthday decades ago. Different door, same paralysis. The stranger left it ajar, a friend I guess -- I hope. It's all blur, of course it is. I am going on tilt... I need to run away...
“No! Not this time.”
If I don't learn about that person that has been living within me all along, I'll miss out on the greatest opportunity I have been gifted with; being helpful and useful to other people. So, I regroup and come up with the smartest thing that comes to mind.
Writing;
Allowing you to overhear yourself saying things that you cannot return from.
Journaling is an invitation to your new life, a new beginning.
Well easy to say –“or write”- but in practice, I need to be vulnerable for an honest true connection - but it freaks me out a bit.
Chin Up.
No going back. I will hit that keyboard like there is no tomorrow. I do like paper though, a much easier flow while riding every thought my mind throws at me. Easy with the pen, playful on the paper, dedicated to the discovery.
Journaling allows creating a direct path with me and myself, uncovering the things that I know and the things that I don't want to know. The things only the other self knew all along. By channeling my thoughts through my body into newly formed words, teasing my curious eyes for them to linger over freshly inked sentences, a new dialogue is now open. A Full circle.
Journaling is the experience itself; breaking your mind free from paralysis.
Do it Your Own Way.
Write like you speak. The world does not need another English teacher (or the language you’ll write in). The world does not need perfect grammar. Do it with your unique voice (link with voice post). Write like you think.
Embracing your own uniqueness is the only path forward.
Journaling and getting deeper into your own mind will undeniably be uncomfortable but it will only hurt if you stop being true to yourself -again. Do not ignore your new life knocking at the door. It is a call for action, the one of bravery, the one to meet yourself and take upon these new challenges. A call to create new opportunities and gift them to the world.
Speak your heart open with the same vulnerability that will allow you plenty full of joyous conversations. Lay open the trauma not looking for compassion but for unveiling a reality, uncovering a blind spot within all of us that shall be addressed.
Journal to carry this conversation with you and your stranger to maturity.
Be kind with yourself. You did not know.
♻️ GROWTH ♻️
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💭 Have you ever thought about discovering who you truly are?
🔹 Ever kept a diary as a teen?
🔹 If you could leave one sentence for your future self, what would it be?
🔹 If you could leave one sentence for your future self, what would it be?
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That one hit home 💥. Writing and reading poetry. Allow me to have a honest conversation 💬 with “myself”.